Waiting is the Worst
Patience isn’t one of my virtues when waiting on a decision.

My patience is non-existent when my expectations have been set for a positive outcome.

Yesterday was spent waiting on a decision - pacing, half paying attention to movies, tv shows, Youtube, and video games, more pacing listening to podcasts, trying to work through exercises for class, unfocused mediation.

I don’t know why waiting on a positive decision derails my whole day, then if the decision isn’t positive I spend more time and energy correcting my course.

Maybe I need to learn more nuance to the stoic idea of premeditation of evils. Instead of only preparing for the exclusively negative outcome, I need to consider a negative outcome from positive expectations and mentally prepare for the shades of gray outcomes.

Prepare for the other outcomes, and reduce my attachment to the outcome as to prevent the outcome from defining and validating myself.

I chose to be consumed by my feelings of anxiety and fear instead of accepting the feelings and allowing myself to live in the moment. I told a story about the decision and how it would set up a better future, and forgot about what was in my ability to control and what was beyond my control. When the decision was made, and the outcome of the decision was completely beyond my control.

One of the hardest lines for me to draw is what is and isn’t in my control.

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